1) You’re unlikely to meet ‘The One’

Ladies and gentlemen. Yes, you’re unlikely to find either of these on a season – not in the Alps anyway. Don’t mistakenly believe that a ski resort is the place to meet ‘the one’ or be swept off your feet by someone exciting and exotic. It always ends in disappointment.

Gentlemen generally come in the form of arse-hanging-out-of-pants, long, greasy-haired, bearded types.

Ladies will mostly sport un-brushed hair, leggings and chalet-buttocks. Both male and female are likely to exude the exotic effluvium of Eau de Unwashed Snow-Bum and exhibit serious commitment issues.

3) Explore all options

In theory, it’s all very nice having a resort lover. But since the major problem is privacy, you’ll find you have to shag in all sorts of random places.

Destinations of choice may include bubble lifts (make sure it’s long enough or you’ll be caught in flagrante when the doors open at the top), transfer cars (protect the seating or you’ll be scrubbing the upholstery as your boss watches in fury), chair lifts (caution: risk of body parts sticking to metal à la Dumb and Dumber).

Failing all that…

4) Approach off-piste sex with caution

Take your beeps and check the snow pack – risk of avalanche and ice burn. Take a rug, or stand up.

Ski and snowboard boots are highly useful in this capacity since they allow you to lean, Smooth-Criminal style, without falling over. Do not attempt during a white-out or in areas inhabited by wild boars and/or bears.

Oh yes, and unless you want an audience, find a suitable tree run, far away from any lifts. Knit yourself a willy-warmer or woolly condom (optional).

6) Panic shagging may occur

End of season bar closures tend to produce the most alarming behaviour in people.

Invariably, every night descends into a borderline orgy with a crap DJ, alongside a growing number of seasonaires crammed into a tiny space, rubbing themselves against each other and pouring spirits down their throats straight from the bottle.

It is a time to break the glass on your emergency shag candidate. Alternatively, if you’ve been mooning over someone all winter, take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and ram your tongue down their eighteen-year-old throat.

7) Disease is widespread

Think about it. You’ve got a village full of randy teenagers suddenly set free from the parental nests, banjaxed to the eyeballs every night, snogging and shagging their way through the equivalent of six months worth of freshers’ weeks.

Add to this toxic mixture a healthy dollop of your serial mountain worker on their 15th season, carrying every STD under the sun and up for poking anything with a hole that breathes, alongside a network of sex pest instructors, chefs and waiters.

Voilà! You have a whole new dimension of lurgy. A Petri dish of filth. Only a fool comes on a season without a bumper pack of condoms and a full course of antibiotics.

8) Threesomes, foursomes and much moresomes

If you are lucky enough to work in a private chalet, perhaps with a hot tub or unlimited wine cellar, it is your responsibility, no, duty to have group sex in that chalet. I know I did, and I heartily recommend it.

Everybody’s thinking it. I’m just putting it out there. 90% of people secretly long for a three-way, it’s just that only a hallowed few have the chutzpah to make it happen.

And, particularly if your boss is a bit of an arse, there is no better feeling than knowing you’ve had more sex in his four-poster/hot tub/sauna than he has.

Read more from Belle de Neige on her blog here. Her brand new book is also out now on Amazon.