Soap Box is a chance for others to use the Whitelines platform to express their views, have a rant or just scream SNOWBOARDING into the eternal void of the internet. These opinions are not necessarily those of the WL editorial staff.

It is an unfortunate truth that the moment you have children, you become a dick.

It is an unfortunate truth that the moment you have children, you become a dick.  Or at least, you become a dick when you start talking about your children.

Despite having more or less exactly the same DNA, and being nurtured in a way that will (in all likelihood) be identical to the way you were brought up (even if you believe that you are doing it totally different from how your folks did it), you will somehow think that your children are going to be way more talented than you were.

As such, every time they slot a coloured wooden block into the correct hole, or learn a new word, manage to dribble a football more than two yards or even slip sideways on a snowboard – you will think they are a genius who can conquer the world. Don’t beat yourself up about it, everyone drinks the same delusional potion once they have procreated – but if you drink too deeply it is all too easy to start behaving like a total wanker and ruin your kids’ lives.

Here are some tips for skirting just below the total wanker threshold and not mentalising your children.

NB. There is nothing quite as incendiary as telling other people how to go about parenting, so I fully expect you to hate me after reading this. Which is OK, my boss and my wife hate me too. And I have made most of these mistakes myself, so this is the ultimate “do as I say, not as I do” advice – the type of advice at which most parents typically excel.

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