As anyone who’s been to boarding school will know, when sharing a bedroom the opportunity to have a wank is rare. I like to flick the bean at bedtime, so sue me. It helps me sleep. Something I never expected to have to do on a season was to re-awaken the boarding-school-honed art of the imperceptible stealth wank. It requires extreme dexterity and the ability to lie completely still and silent while in the throes of pleasure, thereby almost asphyxiating oneself under the duvet. It often results in an intensely sore wrist and is not particularly satisfactory when not accompanied by porn.